I have come back to my blog several times since my last post in May. Customarily, I try to blog a couple of times a month every month. Over this strange summer, I haven’t found myself able to do so. Each time I came here, I spent time with a mental butterfly net, trying to capture something of all that was floating around inside me, and failing.
I have certainly not been idle in these intervening months. I have been travelling. I have been teaching. I have been spending long, unaccustomed periods alone. And I have been working. Indeed, I have been working. None of it has been the pretty, appealing work I would ordinarily share on my Facebook page, or blog about here. It has had nothing to do with articles or acquisitions or teaching. All of it has been deep. All of it has been drenched in pain and clarity and blood. And all of it has taken place between the covers of my very private journal.
A transformation began on our trip back to England in February this year. In March, I followed with a course that took me deep into the darkest places of my soul and what I needed to face in my life. The effect of that course was momentous. As we neared the end of that course, I received a commission. The commission was to write an editorial about the body of work I have created to face and deal with the loss of my children and my parenthood. Working together with other forces in my life, this sequence of events acted as the catalyst for a great process of change and release.
Each time I have returned here, I have wondered what to say. Each time I have returned, my ability to stick to every-day subjects has failed me, my tongue stilled to all words but the truthful ones I needed to speak. And so, as my life has slowly melted to liquid around me, I have distilled it all into the pages of my journal and remained silent here.
I can’t maintain that silence. I have CREATE retreats fast approaching and deadlines to meet and connections to forge. I must re-emerge into the world. In emerging, I have carried my truth forward with me, and needed to find some way to speak about the truth-telling that had transformed my inner landscape. Some way that honoured my truth but kept the personal details of it private for those who need and deserve my love, protection and circumspection. A re-emergence. I had to make a decision. And so, over these few months, I have worked and thought and worked and considered. Finally, today, I made up my mind.
As a result, I am here. I have decided to take a step I have never taken before in my entire life, since I started a private journal at 12 years old. I have decided to share some of the rich, anguished, fearful, decided work I have poured into my most private of journals. This time of my life has been and remains transformational. To be able to move forward, I simply cannot permit it to hide in invisibility. I am changed. My life is changing. I am leaving the personal landscape that has been my own for nearly thirty years. I am emerging. My future looks quite different from what I thought it would be a year ago. One life is moving toward its ending, another life is evolving toward a beginning. I am softly occupying the quiet no-man’s-land between them. Honouring. Recognising. Allowing. I am looking back with love and tenderness. I am looking forward with eagerness. But I am standing right here in my shoes, feeling grateful, feeling ready, feeling open. Feeling the pain. This is now, and it is full of power. Thank you for welcoming me back.