From time to time in this blog, I need to turn my thoughts and my words away from the specifics of my art and toward matters of the spirit. Remain with me if you can, forgive me if you can’t.
As I have continued to function and work and rise externally, only a very few in my most private circle have known how I have emotionally and spiritually crawled through the last year, holding the schrapnel of my privately shattered world close to my chest. The universe brought me the most incredible gift I have ever known nearly two years ago, permitted me to explore it, experience it and know it in my deepest self for nearly a year, before tearing it away from me brutally. This very private loss brought me to my knees in a depth of unbearable grief far beyond anything I have ever experienced.
All through this time, I have struggled and struggled and struggled for understanding. I have prayed as I have never prayed before, for an opening of my spirit, for release from pain, to know what I must learn. I have always tried hard to turn away from asking why? but I have not always succeeded. As the months turn toward a year, the questions have altered. I began to look at what I had learned, about myself, about my response, about other people and relationships and about the world as I have ever understood it to be. The pain has been unbelievable, crippling in its extremity. After eight months, I reached a point of prostration, laid so low, wide open and humbled and hammered thin, awaiting the understanding or the next blow.
In excrutiatingly imperceptible increments from this low point, I have begun to rise, to emerge. It was not until today that I realised I had gained my feet. And it was not until today that I absorbed the lesson. For today, I once again had to face a monumental task of letting go of something that has been incredibly precious and rewarding to me. And I found, as I had not expected, that my spirit was ready for the task. In being tempered as I have been over the last year with the greatest act of letting go I have ever been called on to do, I found today’s task positively easy. It was different. I was different. I was open. Wide. I spread the wings of my spirit wide and let go. The sense of release was profound. My chest expanded and I breathed, deep and to the very bottom of my soul. And into the space created there, my creative spirit rushed in.
I don’t have all the answers to these things. I can only know what I feel and what I understand in the vaults of my mind and spirit. Today, I have understood profoundly that the greater loss prepared me to deal with this second loss that, in any other circumstances, would have been nearly as devastating. And I found that I could. I had the strength and the conviction. And I had the peace.
The wind of change is blowing indeed. And I am listening to its song.